I really thought she was my friend though. Wasn't she? IS she?
Out of all people why is it always her that disappoints me the most. Maybe because i trust her so much, maybe because i count on her.... maybe cause i treated her like a friend to see that she doesn't see me the same way.
I know i don't have a lot of friends, but�enough.
�At least 4 i could have a heart- to-heart with.
5 That i could count on all the way
7�that i actually believe are real friends.
1 that counted in all three catergories and even more. she was everything you needed to survive school with. Because being with her:
you'd never feel left out
you'd never feel looked down on
you'd never be afraid of being afraid
you didn't need brand clothing
you didn't need to listen to pretend you hated learning
you'd smile every single day.
I know... sounds too good to be true... and maybe.. now it is.
and that one friend. she was like my very own sister i never had. We were practically twins... we were born on the same day. She's a couple�hours older than me, but i feel so completely far away from her.
Now that i don't have her.
I'm all alone. I lost my sister.
Love
blahbee
Justin has really taken interest in writing. His first sentence he wrote by himself is: "DES IS A PET PAPR". The "P" was reversed and so was the "E", but cute just the same.
So i was feeling good today ran errands all morning, talked to mom then started more cleaning and organizing of my room. felt good putting pictures up which i haven't done in probably three years and i'm thinking i'm handy then my new desk chair that i bought and put together yesterday a screw just pops out of it!! hahaha it was funny and then i fixed it :)
So i wrote Lisa an email soon after i got back from VA in April after my grandma passed and i don't know if it was her death or what but i finally wrote Lisa the letter I've been holding in for five years just about her behavior and life and basically her alcoholisim.....so that was a few months ago and I'm going next week to visit VA and family in Maryland and I�really wanted to see her and hang out but wasn't sure if she had read it or what her feelings where and she said yes we will hang out while i'm here so either she didn't read it or she is acting like it didn't happen which i figured she would do then today I get this:
Hey girl i am finally checking my email. I am really excited you are coming soon and we can spend some time together.� I read your email and sorry i didnt respond it was late one night at a friends house when i read it .� Whether you believe it ornot it has helped me alot we definitely have a lot to talk about when you come. see ya soon! callme when your on the eastsidehomie.love you and miss you, you are a great friend.
I'm so happy and relived that I�know i can say those things to her and maybe when I'm home we can actually have an adult conversation about her issues and see what I�can do to help, just sucks being so far away.....
So my first official week at unemployment and I got an intership�starting after my�trip back home in a few weeks. Should be good experience and something I'm interested in digital archiving and it is contract with NASA so that is cool to be going through archiving all of thier materials. I have done a good deal of organizing my room this week too
My body aches tonight haven't done much but read and sleep all day today and this is my second day on my body cleanse of sorts all fruits, veggies and a little dairy which means�no Coffee!! and that is a killer especially in the morning the rest seems easy so far been snacking on watermelon and apples with a lot of salad. Been having headaches every night might� be from�the lack of�caffine and pretty much no refined sugar in this diet at all. Doing it for a week see how it goes and how i feel before i take off on my VA vacation! Been getting in touch with some old friends so it will be nice when i go home and busy I hope.
Def off to the gym in the morning.....now more reading Eclipse is getting inteeresting!! love it!! I�can't put it down
Today is thursday not much going on after all it is still early. I spent the latter portion of yesterday with J of course it was ok.� Omg it was better than ok! Something is transpiring btwn us that I cannot adequatley define. Of course I have been sexually attracted to� a number of men, so Im aware that this isnt the case with him. Not that I aint feelin him lik this. But its something deeper, than just desiring to sex him. I want him, want to be consumed by him. Yesterday while laying on the couch at his daughter house, he feel asleep. This gave me the opportunity to get a real good look at him. He appeared so relax, his defenses were down couldnt �resist had to rub his chest!.
I am going to do this right this time. no sabotage. Kind of like the trust game I enjoying playing with him: he holds my hands firmly as� close my eyes and let my self go. That is what Im going to do allow myself to fall (in love)and pray he is there� to support me. I'd like� 2 experience things with J that� I normally would make a speedy exodus from. I got to thank Greg for giving me sound advice. He suggested I tell whomever I dating upfront about�my intent�2�sabotage potentially healthy relationships.
The first few times we kissed were guarded, neither one of us were going to come out of hiding. They were safe, pecks no fire works, going off. Now when we lock lips my pulse beat fasters, my head spins, I become dizzy, as well as childlike. I smile,�giggle like a teenager with a crush. Prior to him walking home we did our usual routine: kissed each other goodbye. It ws so passionate I had to grab the porch rail to steady myself.
Often times I crave closeness,just� want him in my space..
I was supposed to meet him halfway, but of course Iam bad @ directions,we missed each other. However when I finally arrived home he was on the porch chatting with Isaiah.� Because J wasLooking like mekhi pheiffer�Fresh haircut, smelling so good, wearing his arrogance wears like a badge of honor, . I found it difficult to remain angry��@� him� for the wild goose chase he sent me on.
���once� he made a jokeabout it being our one week anniversary and� having cupcakes to celebrate. I suprised him with a cupcake and one candle for the one week we've been together. he was chatting with someone so when he turned around� he eyes lit up, and a� childlike grin spread across his face.
Every� since we've met we have been "inseperable" to quote him. Dont want to smother him, I get it that men need space. This doesnt prevent� the aching,� longing,whirling sensation from overtaking me.
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